Am I an idiot?

I remember asking for death. Wishing it would come for me sooner, seeing it as a form of escape. Have you ever felt the same?

A coward's wish it was. A hope to leave a prison and the sentence that perhaps keeps me here.

Do I not appreciate life? Do I not appreciate these gifts of God? Such a rude wish. The more I think about it, the more I hate myself for even thinking of such things.

Be thankful for the life that's been given to you. Be happy for the time that you have.

A prison though it may be, this prison is full of comfort and freedom. Painful experiences may abound but an equal amount of joy flows through this life. Am I disregarding that everytime I pray for my death? Am I ungrateful?

God alone knows how grateful I am for all His gifts. Food, drink, love, entertainment, knowledge and much else. The list just goes on.

All He ever asks of me, is that I be grateful for His gifts and worship Him and only Him. Allahu Akbar. Obey His orders and steer myself away from any activities that He has so clearly warned me against.

Worship. I have yet to do enough of that. When I think about it, I'm a pitiful servant. One that doesn't deserve any of life's blessings. I deserve to go to hell. I wish for death.

But I try to convince myself otherwise. Perhaps this is a chance for me to redeem myself. Opportunity to change my ways. Save myself from my sins.

Sins. When I think back on them, I realise how weak I really am. How could I let myself fall prey to temptation? Why'd I do such a thing?

I look forward to the future. Towards the tests and temptations I may face. The tribulations that may await me. And I wish I could die.

Am I an idiot?